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Juno is pretty cool

"You're like the coolest person I've ever met," Ellen Page says to a knobbly knee'd Michael Cera at the climax of Juno. "And you don't even have to try, you know."
"I try really hard, actually."

Juno was Fox Searchlight's sleeper hit of 2007, grossing over $85 million in the US (after a modest budget of only $7.5 million). It comes out in the UK on February 8th and I was there at its VIP screening at the Soho Hotel in London last week.

Why am I dressed like a dork?

(If you're reading this through my RSS feed, you might not get the accompanying picture. In any case, it's probably a sensible question to ask - and on most occasions.)

My housemate Bill and I were there to help out a friend, whose event management company was putting on the screening. She needed a couple of geeks to dress up as characters from the film, greet guests and pose for pictures.

"You're like the geekiest guy I know," she said. "You don't even have to try." She was right. I couldn't claim, like Michael Cera's character in Juno, that the accolade was the result of any sort of effort. So, of course, I agreed to do it.

Not knowing much about the film however, I was somewhat unprepared for my costume: a sports vest and shorts, pull-up socks, a wrist and headband. Nevertheless, I left my shame with my trousers, in the cloak room, while Bill joked that stripping down to a pair shorts for £50 might be construed as the behaviour of a couple of "smack heads." We emerged from our dressing room all the same, regretfully sober and ready to face a room full of celebrities.

I joked with British soul singer, Beverley Knight, formed one point of a hip-hop love triangle with So Solid Crew's Lisa Mafia, even went for a post-screening drink with star of zombie film, 28 Weeks Later (and new best friend), Imogen Poots.

But the real star of the night - it's not difficult to say - was the movie itself. A sophomore effort from Thank You for Smoking director, Jason Reitman, Juno is a smart, funny and charming teen comedy, with real affection and wit. Go see it when it comes out here on February 8th (or catch it while you still can, if it's already showing in your country).

It's got an awesome soundtrack (that I reckon will do for The Mouldy Peaches what Garden State did for The Shins); it moves the plot along without being intrusive (take note, Sondre Lerche). And at one point, at the end of the movie, it sort of becomes the plot.

I won't ruin the ending for you. But when the film had finished, and we changed back into our own clothes, Bill joked that it felt good to be 'cool' again. As he did, I caught myself in the changing room mirror, one hand pushing my glasses up the bridge of my nose, the other, buttoning the cardigan that snuggled under my second-hand blazer. I thought to myself that however hard I try, I'll never quite be cool. But that was okay.

In the film, Michael Cera's character got the girl. And there I was at the end of an awesome party, having met some pretty interesting people, £50 better off and about to go for a drink with a movie star? I suppose that is pretty cool.

Catch Juno in the UK on February 8th; find out more on the link below.

• Juno: Official Site - [Fox Searchlight]

 

New hymns

I'm back home with my parents for the holidays, where keeping up with the Jones' has escalated to a point where my family is no longer honouring its own religion, but instead joining the neighbours for midnight mass at the local Catholic church.

It's not typical behaviour for a Hindu family, but then mine has never been a typical Hindu family. Neither has it shied from Catholicism: My sisters and I went to the Catholic school opposite our house. (We got Christ and convenience - it was a 2 for 1 deal.)

As such, we knew what to expect from the service - lots of lengthy Bible passages, lots of time to 'reflect', lots of standing up and sitting down.

I didn't, however, expect there to be quite so many apologies. Soon after we arrived we joined the congregation in one massive plea for forgiveness.

It was a funny way to start, I thought. "Let's get this party started," I imagined the Father saying. "With a big fat, 'I'm sorry'." I wasn't sure why we were apologising (we weren't even late), but I joined in all the same.

It wasn't long, however, until my complicity turned into awkward silence. I was the only member of the congregation not saying 'amen,' 'thanks be to God,' or 'Kyrie Eleison' (I didn't even know what the last one meant, but I liked to think it was Jamaican patois); I was probably the only one censoring parts of Christmas carols, by refusing to sing them.

I wondered how the rest of my family could, not least because the church insisted on performing songs impossible to pick up. New ones, in an attempt to be relevant, employed all sorts of strange 'blue' notes, unpredictable key changes and song structures that eschewed the tried and tested verse/chorus formula of the last hundred or so years.

But then, I thought, that's not unlike my family at all: blue, unpredictable, unusual; also, unlike new hymns, relevant, at least to me. And, in a weird way, honouring its own religion.

No-one watching me.

"You don't want a girlfriend," I was recently reminded. "You want an audience." And despite her best efforts to, er, buck the trend, I went home alone that night and showed her that, in fact, I wanted neither. Oh, I showed her alright...

But waking up alone, again, I wondered whether there was any truth in her observation. I kind of wish I'd stuck around for its attempted deconstruction. But in all honesty, it's a fact that's been pointed out to me before.

I met her on a blind date, we'd e-mailed each other before the first meeting and she'd had the foresight to Google me in advance. Perhaps to check that I wasn't a suspected terrorist, a registered sex offender or a Tory.

But what she didn't expect was three pages of results, the first of which led her to this blog. "I have a lot less sex than people imagine," were the first words she must have read. And the dates that followed proved that I can, in fact, have even less sex than that.

But I appreciated her honesty in admitting her research, more so than her awkward first date questions. "Who is the real San Sharma?" She asked. "The man or the domain?"

I didn't expect questions any more soul searching than 'what's your favourite colour?' from a first date, but hers got me thinking.

Is being single intrinsic to my personality? Or to my persona, as a "single, metrosexual, twentysomething, British Indian male", as per the blurb above?

"What I'm asking is," she continued. "Can you have a girlfriend and an audience?" I didn't think that was an invitation to tape us having sex, so I told her that, at this time, I didn't think the two were possible. And walked home, with no-one watching me.

In Jobs we trust

It's the age old dilemma: the secular world versus the spiritual; the things you can't touch and the things you can't stop touching. And this Friday, the conundrum continues, when Apple's long awaited iPhone lands in the UK - on Diwali.

I'd booked the day off work, picked out a traditional outfit, planned my route to the temple (casual shirt, hipster jeans, Central Line to the Regent Street Apple Store). I was all set to get in line and get an iPhone (at 6:02pm - its official launch time, inspired by Apple's O2 partnership), when my mum called.

"Don't forget Diwali on Friday," she said.

Diwali is the Hindu festival of lights. And although the iPhone boasts - amongst other things - a backlit touchscreen, queueing for one on Regent Street is not, apparently, an appropriate way to give thanks to God.

At £269, with a minimum 18 month contract, the iPhone is rather an appropriate way to give thanks to Steve Jobs, blue jeaned and turtle necked co-founder and CEO of Apple, who in September announced the iPhone's arrival in the UK.

"We can't wait to let UK customers get their hands on it," he said.

I can't wait either, Steve. But instead, at 6:02pm tonight, I'll be putting my hands together and celebrating the return of Lord Rama. I'll also be praying that there'll be iPhones in stock by the time I get to an Apple store on Saturday.

But why am I so blasphemingly excited?

Well, the iPhone is, to the mobile phone market, what the iPod is to MP3 players. Neither are the first, but both are quite easily the best - light years ahead of anything else - and clear solutions to the problems that have plagued consumers since computers could talk to peripherals.

For years, you've been able to synchronise your mobile phone with your computer - it's nothing new - but, honestly, who does it (without wincing)?

The software has been clunky, the hardware flimsy and the whole process of navigating your phone awkward and messy. Apple cuts through that predictable haze with a phone that's a joy to use (I know because I've used one), and built on the iPod/iTunes model that's served an unprecedented 119 million customers.

At its price, and worrying O2 lock in, the iPhone might take some time to reach those kind of sales. I don't doubt that we'll see a price drop in the next year (or an iPhone nano), but in the meantime, expect to see iPhone-flourishes in all new mobile phones, as manufacturers step up their game, as they have post iPod.

It looks like we can all give thanks to Jobs. So, this weekend, put your hands together, in your pocket or on your iPhone and have a Happy Diwali/iPhone Day.

• iPhone - [via Apple.com/uk]

Get ready for iPhone

Apple has its own 'Get ready for iPhone' guide, with advice on how to prepare your contacts, calendar, music and videos. In anticipation of tonight's UK launch, I've prepared my own pre-purchase to-do list.

'Finger tips'
Before you reach your grubby hands into your soon-to-be empty pockets tonight, make sure your fingers are worthy of the iPhone's gorgeous 3.5-inch touch screen display.

It takes at least fifteen seconds to wash your hands properly, which - according to a dedicated NHS hand washing website - is about the amount of time it takes to sing the 'Happy Birthday' song twice through. The site includes a 10 step guide, but if you can memorise the routine ("Step 6: backs of fingers to opposing palms with fingers interlocked"), you might as well learn this.

Look the part
You might think that buying an iPhone is your ticket to the lifestyles of the rich and courageous. But remember, tonight's launch is for the first generation model, so expect to see some early adopters and hardcore Apple fan boys in the queue.

Plus, this isn't San Francisco.

So, stand out from the crowd of the great unwashed, the forum fanatics and - dare I say - the Windows users, and pick an outfit that's casual, clean and as close to Justin Long as you can manage. (Unless, of course, you're a girl, in which case wear nothing and make a queue of geeks very happy.)

Make a nest
You're going to want to play with your iPhone right away (make a few 'emergency calls only' before you activate it), but think about how you'll carry it from one curious admirer to another. Don't just stuff it into your jeans' pocket with your keys, redundant iPod nano and Wii controller.

If you're going to put it in your jeans, make sure you wash them first, inside out with the pockets reversed. Fortunately, the iPhone gets a winter launch here in the UK, so most punters will be wearing jackets to brave the queue. Pick one with a lined inner pocket and place your iPhone with its screen facing you.

My reputation recedes me

I have a lot less sex than people imagine. In fact, it's people's imagination, I think, that's preventing me from doing so (that and my strange face, probably). In their heads, I'm sprawled across a boudoir chaise longue, explosive kegs between my legs, dining on three square meals of girls, girls, girls...

When in actual fact, I've an appetite like a python. Eyes bigger than my belly (already pretty big), I get all wrapped up, bite off more than I can chew and lie bloated for another year. (The resemblance doesn't extend to my anatomy, unfortunately. I'm more like a grass snake in that respect.)

But I met this girl on Monday, and I was hoping things would follow suit like the Craig David song. But instead she said, "I bet you do alright with the ladies."

Now, I'm no gambling man, but either way, I figure, is a losing hand. There seemed little reward in betting against her, but there was something about her assumption that seemed to lower my odds. It was as if she was saying, "You do alright. You don't need this."

Hang on, I thought. This isn't like tipping a lawyer or sending Donald Trump a tenner. If an athlete does well in the Olympics give him a gold medal, surely. Applaud him at the finish line. But here I was, waiting for the starting pistol.

"Oh, I do alright," I said, ironically. Unfortunately, the pub was loud, and my self-deprecation construed as declaration, as if I was laying my cards on the table and revealing aces.

But she'd failed to see my joker and raised her eyebrows. If there was a starting pistol, I thought, I'd shot myself in the foot.And would lie bloated for another year.

'Talk' on sale

I don't often give special shout outs on this here blog. Let's face it, I don't post a great deal either. But there's a sale over at my mate's blog and talk, it turns out, is cheap. You should check it out on the link below or via my blog roll.

Talk It Is Cheap is the true story of a single, chauvinistic, twentysomething, English man in New York.

Head on over and leave comments.

• Talk It Is Cheap [Peter Woods]

"May contain traces of boyfriend."

"I can't do this," she says, pulling away.
"Why?" I ask.
"I've got a boyfriend."

So, this is the conversation that marks the end of so many of my dates. It's become as familiar to me as picking up the cheque, saying goodnight and poking on Facebook. (It's usually the only poking I do that night.)

And it's making me wonder what it is about me - or my dates - that makes this conversation so familiar. Do they think I'm gay? A "Will" to their "Grace"? Are they shopping for a new boyfriend (but "just browsing, thanks")? Or, like Schrödinger's cat, does the boyfriend only appear at the end of the date, when I take a gamble and try to open the box (so to speak)?

In any case, it terrifies my friends in relationships. "It makes me wonder what my girlfriend was really doing on Saturday night," my housemate says. "Come to think of it, what were you doing on Saturday night?"

Well, I was probably having that conversation, like a disclaimer tagged onto the end of a radio advert, muttered quickly and incomprehensible, a list of possible side effects - "may cause mild embarrassment, sudden loss of date and that sinking feeling that this is all too familiar..."

Alphabet Street

When my dad argues that there are thirty more letters in the Hindi alphabet than there are in the English, he refers to the languages as 'ours' and 'theirs', respectively. That's because he's talking to our Indian visitors, who've travelled from Madras, by way of New Jersey, last week to London, and now to Shropshire, where they're staying with my parents and discussing - at length - the respective strengths and weaknesses of Hindi and English. There can't be enough letters in either, I think, as I listen to them debate in an odd fusion of both languages.

Queer eye for the fat guy.

Having "outed" myself as a metrosexual, I've done very little to maintain a lifestyle in keeping with the culture. If I were a homosexual it'd be like not liking musicals or not having a small dog. As it goes I'm not. And I really ought not make such sweeping - and possibly offensive - generalisations.

The fact of the matter is, I make a terrible metrosexual. Sure, I moisturise. I use a range of hair products. But my sexuality, my...metrosity is tepid, to say the least.

I'm terribly out of shape, I eat crap and I shop at Topman - almost exclusively. I've never bought an Armani suit, I don't care for fruit and I wouldn't know my yoga pilates from my yoga flames.

I've decided, if I'm going to do this properly, if I'm going to write the "true story of a single, metrosexual, twentysomething, British Indian male," I'm going to have to shape up or ship out. (Besides, I figure I can't do much about my being twentysomething or British Indian.)

So tomorrow I'm going for a run.

It's either that or Annie Get Your Gun, a Chihuahua and another closet from which to emerge. But I'm pretty sure it's easier to turn a fat boy slim than a straight guy queer.

• Meet the metrosexual - [Salon]

 

Gone fishing.

I've been writing my little heart out for the past week or so, working on some stuff for the business, hence the somewhat slower than usual blogging.

In fact, I've temporarily relocated to a quiet spot in Ireland, in an effort to concentrate on my words, which, it turns out, was something of a deft move, since I can't understand most of those uttered by the locals anyway.

My business partner and I just had dinner in Kinsale and nodded politely through the specials menu, which we're pretty sure was mostly fish; she had lobster (something I vowed to never do again) and last night we saw a movie called The Squid and the Whale.

It's been like a fishing trip so far. I'm back on dry land next week - expect more stories then!

Budge

Hey, it's just dawned on me that some people may still be visiting my Blogspot even though I've moved. In case you didn't know you can continue my adventures - those of "a single, metrosexual, twentysomething, British Indian male" over at www.sansharma.com.

15 minutes

Since the Stephen King/Rob Reiner chillfest, Misery (1990), having a "number one fan" is an altogether terrifying prospect. (A number two or three is fine.)

In the film, a novelist, played by James Caan, is rescued from a car accident in a blizzard, by a particularly fat Kathy Bates. Wait, it gets scarier...

It turns out she's his "number one fan" and has no intention of letting him go. She also lops off his feet with a hammer (don't click this link if you're squimish!).

It's no wonder then that I had cold feet (or any feet at all) when I agreed to meet one of my fans last week. ('One of' suggests there are more; 'one and only' may be closer to the truth.) She'd read my blog, saw that I'd moved to London and wanted to meet up.

Why the hell not? I thought.

Well, there was one prettyyy big reason why not:

• Kathy Bates.

But anyway, I chose to look beyond the Bates and found instead a very charming, not at all psychotic, PhD student.

And it got me thinking, perhaps prematurely, about the notion of fame (and the fifteen minutes of it promised us by Andy Warhol). I realise that it hasn't yet touched me in the same way that it did, say, Princess Diana, but it has sort of tickled me on the nose.

The PhD student knew only a persona, pixelated and preserved on this blog; a "true story of a single, metrosexual, twentysomething, British Indian male."

And while one fan does not a fan club make, I imagine it's just a matter of time before I'm shaving my head and checking into rehab, dangling a baby over a balcony ledge, or dying in a high speed car chase in Paris.

That's a lot to cram into my fifteen minutes.

Harry Krishna

My mate, Peter Woods, kindly pointed out that the Harry Potter pictured on the cover of the new book bears a striking resemblance to a certain...me!

It's uncanny! To the point that he actually looks Asian. Check it out.

• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows [Amazon.co.uk]

Things not to do on a date.

In all the time I've been single (which totals around 18 years), I've learned three things about dating:

1. Don't get hideously drunk.


2. Don't order lobster.


3. Don't arrange a second date in Cyberspace (I'll explain, even though it sounds inexplicable).

Interestingly enough, I learned all of these lessons in one sitting, on a date in Exmouth Market just last week.

1. Don't get hideously drunk.
"Hideous" may be too strong a word, but I was certainly "buzzed." I know this because I started banging on about a half-baked revolution in which we all "just love one another (why can't we just love one another?)." So, as a general rule, try and keep as drunk if not less drunk than your date.

2. Don't order lobster.
"Compliment her on her shoes," Beth advised, before the date. "It's more specific than 'you look nice,' and less cheesy than 'you've got amazing eyes'..."

So, as it turned out, my date did have pretty amazing eyes, but I couldn't get a good look at her shoes from where I was sitting. That was until the waitress came over and offered up the very same compliment to my date. Not wanting her to muscle in on my game (which is pretty sad, when a waitress can do that), I saw my opportunity and chimed in with a perhaps overly enthusiastic, "Yes! Your shoes are amazing!"

I was too late, of course, and my compliment, now really an afterthought, had no real positive impact. It only served to distract me from the real reason the waitress was standing there, complimenting the hell out of my date.

And so, for some reason, I ordered lobster. And then proceeded to wrestle with the animal, break the thing apart and eat its insides across the table from my date.
My advice? Order anything but lobster.

3. Don't arrange a second date in Cyberspace.
So, sozzled and strewn with lobster meat and exoskeleton, I was in no fit state to conclude the date in any way that was appropriate. Instead of suggesting we meet again, that I call, or even that we move to a position more conducive to kissing, I turned away from my date, ever so slightly, pointed over my shoulder and said, "well, the tube's this way," and, "you should, er, Facebook me sometime."

It sounded like something from the Chandler Bing school of shitty dating, updated for the 21st century (dating 2.0, if you will). And as soon as I said it I turned, looked down at my shoes, seasoned ever so slightly with lobster and white wine, and thought, did I actually just say that?

SuperPoke!

When I was younger - maybe 13 - some kind, possibly sympathetic soul told me that when girls were into guys they just ignored them.

Imagine how I got on, all lanky limbs and awful hair, thinking that every girl I passed, eyes glued to the pavement, was secretly admiring me: tall and thin, ugly and assured.

God knows how else I would have made it through my teens.

But 10 years on and I'm beginning to seriously question that small piece of advice. It may have got me through my teens, but it sure as hell won't get me through my 20s.

If it were true then London loves me. In fact, by that logic, I got a whole lot of love at the pub last night. Indeed, it's a wonder I didn't get raped on the Tube home.

Now, of course, you're spoiled for choice when it comes to indicating your interest. Glances on the Tube are generally ill-advised, especially at night. But, ladies, when you get home, why not log on to Craigslist and post about your "missed connection", in the hope that Mr Right-Across-the-Carriage will reply.

Here's one from a few of weeks ago:

Victoria Line, Monday Evening, discussed Harry Potter

Going North on the Victoria Line, sitting across from you, talking to my friend about how we still haven't gone to King's Cross to have our pictures taken between Platforms 9 and 10. You said you bet we'd meet on the train again a week from now, and I still wouldn't have had my picture taken. I said I'd get it done the next day on my way to see the Tower of London.

I only realised later that I should have given you my number.

And you were right, I didn't go to King's Cross - I'm hoping to go with you!

Craigslist is just one way in which you can flirt online. There are, of course, countless other, more explicit ways - and I've already covered match.com's virtual winking feature - but we won't dwell on those sites that charge to do it. Because, frankly, it's pretty sad. I can say that because I've done it.

A more popular, kid-friendly way (though I wouldn't try it with kids) is Facebook's built-in poking device. With it, you can let your 'lover' know that they've been poked when they next log in.

Here's what I saw when I logged into Facebook tonight:

Pokes

You were poked by Meghan Vaughn.

poke back | remove poke

And when I clicked "poke back"?

Poke Meghan?

You are about to poke Meghan. She will be informed of this the next time she logs in.

Poke | Cancel

It's about as far removed from actual poking as you can get. If you've ever been poked by or even poked the person next to you on the Tube (and again, I'd advise against this), there is no option to "remove poke" nor is it wise to "poke back".

And now that Facebook's opened up to third-party applications there are even more ways to poke people. You can use Poke Pro! Super Poke! Party Poke! Pokey Poke! Edgar Allan Poke! The list is endless...

But despite all these options, the third-party application support, the AJAX controls, the JavaScript widgetry, even logging in to see that I've been poked in every conceivable way, I feel no closer to an actual physical connection than I did those years I spent being ignored by girls.

At least when one looked up it meant something. And if they ever poked back, I knew I was in.

Feeling awkward.

For those of you who thought my blog would suddenly become more interesting (as if that's even possible) since moving to London, and perhaps less about mundane adventures, such as boarding a train, playing video games or watching TV, I write with a story that takes place outside of the house and, indeed, the banality of public transport.

That's right. In an attempt to find something more interesting to write about (and maybe - incidentally - have a good time) I went out on Friday night. To a bar.

(I won't even tell you how I got there.)

But I was early. Never one to be fashionably late (or even fashionable, for that matter), I got to Tiger Tiger in Haymarket a good half-hour or so before my friends arrived, giving me ample time to loiter awkwardly by the bar, even smash a glass and act like it wasn't me.

Still, the fracas drew some attention. And I was soon chatting to a South Korean girl who loitered with just as much awkwardness, if not more. Hers derived from the fact that her English was almost incomprehensible.

At first I couldn't tell if it was because the music was loud or if indeed because she was new to the language. In any case, I understood that she was looking for a boyfriend and, I suspect, a way to stay longer in this country.

Her attempts to do so were misguided to say the least.

"You have strange face," she said.
"Like...in a good way?"
"It's a strange," she insisted.

Just as she began to gesture with her hands and demonstrate just what it was about my face that was quite so strange my friends arrived.

I followed them, left the South Korean girl at the bar and headed to the dance floor, more awkward than ever.

Onward Christian soldiers...

modern jesus army., originally uploaded by San Sharma.

Two groups with recruitment issues - the Christians and the Army - join forces to increase numbers.

A very random act of kindness.

If, according to American band The Shins, 'Caring is Creepy', kindness is just plain weird. And increasingly rare, I'm beginning to find.

I was just waiting for a train when my bag split and spilled its contents all over the platform floor. Dashing to pick up the pieces before my train arrived, not a single soul offered to help.

Imagine my surprise when I got on the train and a soul (single, I'd hoped) offered up her seat so that I could use my Mac, fresh from the floor of platform 2, near an electrical outlet. (Perhaps she'd read of my recent 'power struggle' on this here blog.)

"Yes, that would be...great," I said, dumbfounded and a little flustered.

Also in my hands were a pair of pants and some moisturising cream. I'd picked them off the floor (they were mine, after all) and was quite aware that it was an odd grouping of objects.

She was too, I suspect. Because instead of moving across, so that we could both sit at the table, she slid past, grabbed her belongings on the way (a more conventional grouping - bag, coat, etc.), then appeared to vacate the train all together.

Whether she meant to exit at Birmingham, I'll never know. But I didn't go after her, I didn't even ask. I just let her go.

That, I suppose, was my act of kindness.